It's not the same Sorry so long .....

[garf21097]

My husband and I have been going through a rough period. We have been married for almost 8 years. We have 2 boys , I go to school and work full time and he works side jobs here and there along with his full time job. the problem is whenever he gets some free time he ususally wants to hang out with his friends. I have girlfriends but not as many as him. My husband will reconnect with an old friend and its like they never lost touch and that is his best friend. I always feel as though they come before me.

Ex1. One of his friends girlfriends birthday recently passed. She and I are not close other than the occassional double date. I left a message on her myspace saying happy b-day but that wasn't good enough. His friend called him and said nobody has called to wish her happy bday and my husband immediately called me for me to wish her happy bday. I told him I sent her a message on myspace he got an attitude. I confronted him and he told me that I have a problem with his friendships. I got very angry because his friends feelings and request always come before mine.

Ex2. If my husband and I have a date planned or just spending the day together he may overbook himself so we may go to dinner, movie, or just whatever we have planned for the day and he will get a call that he was suppose to be hanging out with his cousins, friends or anything. He just commits himself to them before even asking me what I would like to do or anything.

We recently had a big fight about all of this because it is just not changing no matter what I say. I asked him if he still wants to be married and his reply was I want to be happy. I said me to but does happy equate to being with me. His reply was that he is not estatically happy when he is around me. I was shocked so I told him we should just get a divorce. He didn't say anything and he said I don't think we should act too suddenly what if I am without you and miserable. I said I cannot spend my life waiting to see if you still want to be with me. We didn't speak for about a day and then he came to me saying he can't imagine his life without me and he really just doesn't want us to divorce over this. He said he doesn't feel like I really want to be with him that when we are together we are just there not really enjoying each other. I didn't feel that way so I dont know what he's talking about. Anyway after we talked and decided to stay together I just don't feel the same I feel like this will always be an issue. When he told me he was not estatically happy with me I had really and truly in my heart prepared myself for divorce so I don't know if that is what Im feel or what? Feedback comments thoughts?

[catscalw]

Little Sister,
I would be very, very carefeul about using the "divorce" word. it sounds to me like you threw it in just to see what he would say. Marriage is a sacred space, a sanctified relationship, and not something to threaten leaving when you are having what sounds like simple housekeeping difficulties about intimacy and getting your needs met.

It sounds to me like there is work that still needs to be done with your communication between the two of you: both about what your needs are for intimacy and time spent together. You may need to do some work to find out if you are putting some internal inside needs of your own in the relationship. It's not uncommon for people to look to thier partner and the relationship to solve issues that are actually an inside job.

My wife and I are constantly negotiating this issue, as she is much more of an outgoing, social person than I, and I am always wanting more alone time with her. These kind of issues are the essential stuff of a sucessful relationship, whether it is in the bedroom or just taking walks/hanging out.
It is constant work, and not always easy, but worth every second.

Again, I would be very careful about throwing out the "D" word. Some things can never be taken back, once they are said, and can change the nature of your relationship forever.

[garf21097]

Thank you so much for the advice. We are working on our communication and decided to make sure that we both make an effort to work together. Again thank you.

[catscalw]

Great news! With both of you making a conscious effort to work together, you have the real possibility of making some serious break-throughs. The relationship needs to be fed and nurtured just like any living, growing thing. The more you both put into it, the more you will get out of it.

An idea...challenge yourselves to bring back the magic. We men usually love a challenge, and what could be a better place to spend some creative energy than on each other? Get him to see how this will benefit him, not just in the bedroom, but in a quality of connectedness and passison that all men want, but none of us really seem to know it.