Personal Attacks

[MysteriousLurker]

I feel for every woman here who has been hurt but, honestly, as I read through these posts as a neutral observer, I cannot buy the reasoning behind many of them. You name a man in the post and tell the world what he has allegedly done to you under the pretense that you are "warning other women" to steer clear of him.

Statistically, the odds of another woman who knows this man finding your post is one in millions (or even billions). It's a big world and this is a tiny forum. These posts look more to me like personal attacks and venting and they only tell one side of the story. Am I the only one who sees this here?

If you are bitter and want to attack him, fine. Just be honest about what you are doing instead of disguising the attack as a service to all women.

[Guitarista]

Lurker, it's about closure. Most of the time these men just disappear and never do anything to explain why to any of these women. ( Usually that is because they have no good explanation to offer for their behavior except that they're cowardly jerks.)

That makes the women feel powerless and helpless...it's rather like being robbed.

Think of it this way.....suppose somebody broke into your house, took all your money and valuables and most of your personal belongings, including those of sentimental value? And then left your refrigerator door open so the food would rot. And then slashed your photos and paintings.

And they were never caught.

And you had no homeowner's insurance.

I'm sure a guy like you is WAY too smart to not have homeowner's insurance and maybe even too smart to live in a neighborhood where that can happen, oh goodness no.

But all the same...

There isn't much choice involved in getting dealt with the way many of these women have been dealt with. The men just hang up in their faces or disappear or worse.

So it's not all about the odds, Lurker.

It's about knowing that you're not alone in a world that can be very cold, cruel, and indifferent to your gender.

And it's about finding some company here.

And one thing you have failed to notice...any dishonesty that there is from the women here in not fully comprehending or owning their exact reason for coming here is rather tame compared to the forms of dishonesty they've been dealt.

So if I were you...

I REALLY WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

Go lurk somewhere else if you don't much care for it.

Oh, and BTW,

You're NOT a neutral observer.

[MysteriousLurker]

I am neutral. I am not directly involved in these situations. I have been hurt and used by women in the past. I didn't go to a public forum and spread their name though. I chalked it up to experience and moved on. I realize that women deal with things differently than men do and if this sort of outlet brings some closure then I am all for it. I didn't mean disrespect and I surely didn't mean to imply that I don't care. Women and men are very different creatures so I can't pretend to know what a woman goes through or feels in these type situations.

[MysteriousLurker]

I'm also curious as to why these men do this to begin with. It seems rather a stupid waste of time, not to mention cruel, to string someone along and then just vanish without a trace. Wow. Is my gender really this crappy? I've always known that the majority of men are pigs but I didn't think they were this bad. I have seen some pretty bad examples reading through these forums.

[Guitarista]

Hey, Lurker,

That was not a bad answer at all.

Really, this place is more about closure than it is about reporting, although it IS about reporting, too. In some of the more serious cases, some guys do get caught.

You'd be surprised...even if the odds are bad, it happens. And sometimes you can't worry about odds.

Sorry if I sounded overly harsh. I am going through some stuff lately.

No, most certainly not...not all men are bad, there are a lot of good ones in this world.

But I do know that one thing I cannot abide is when a man just DISAPPEARS from something...where there really has been some closeness and some interaction, even if it's not physical. To me, either a man or a woman would deserve an explanation for ending it and an honorable person of either gender would deliver one, IMO.

Have a nice evening or morning or whatever it is where you are, and take care.

I misjudged what you meant by your post....you really do seem nice.

[MysteriousLurker]

I'm nice on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.

Sadly, I share your opinion about how most men behave and treat women. I wish I could provide some sort of an explanation for, or defense of, their actions but I cannot. Not only are they hurting women but they are hurting themselves too and they seem too stupid to see it.

[Guitarista]

That is the part that amazes me the most, the way they can hurt themselves.

I don't always get what hurts them...but sometimes it really does seem like they cut off their own noses to spite their faces.

Well, it's Sunday here now so I guess I better get the heck out of here before you turn into a pumpkin....lol...

[MysteriousLurker]

[Guitarista]

Lurker,

I totally agree.

I think the key here is for a person to know what he or she wants. That is not always easy, as people have mixed feelings sometimes.

We are taught what we are "supposed" to want, by our parents, by society, by our peers. Sometimes it's really hard to break free of that and look inside ourselves enough to see what we truly do need and want.

I like fellas who tell me up front that they don't want a relationship. It makes my life so much easier because I tend to be very monogamous and cautious, having been deeply hurt several times.

I don't like to try to deal with guys who say vague things, like "let's just be friends", especially after there has been more of a connection than casual friendship...to me, that's cruel. By more of a connection I don't just mean physical...I think it can be emotional, too. There are emotional connections that are far more intimate than physical ones, in some cases. Some people do not realize that, but it is something I learned long ago when I went to therapy.

Nobody can turn their emotions off and on at someone else's demand, like a light switch. I never want dealings with anyone who does not know this. It is just more painful than it's worth.

I think you have a great deal of insight into the issue of relationships. I hope you stick around, Lurker. It's too bad I don't know more guys who think like you do. You seem to be quite level-headed, even on Sunday.

Weather here in Michigan is gorgeous. How is it in Dallas? Do you have a real autumn out there? I've never been to Texas.

[MysteriousLurker]

Funny you mentioned Michigan. I just moved from Bay City to Dallas 7 months ago. The trees haven't started changing here to any great degree yet but it's coming. Fall here is in the 80's. I might miss the Michigan winters but I doubtit. After last years horrid winter I am glad to be farther south.

As for the whole relationship thing, I haven't done it in so long that I doubt I would be very good at it. I've had ten years of doing what I want, when I want. It's hard to come back from that kind of freedom. I'm not saying that the right woman couldn't change my mind but, since I am not looking, I doubt I will find her (unless she just falls into my lap). I know it isn't a popular view here but, believe it or not, many women are just as untrustworthy as men (although the percentage is far lower) and this keeps my hormones in check just enough to keep me single and out of trouble. I'm pretty kinky so for me to abandon sex means that I have likely Had Enough™.

[Guitarista]

Yes, it is nice to have freedom.

I live with a guy but we are not boyfriend/girlfriend. We own a house together. It started out as boyfriend/girlfriend, but over the years, we grew apart. We're still companions though, although we are very different from one another. He is a good person.

Right now I am doing a lot of inner searching and trying to repair the damage done by some previous relationships.

I think that the whole idea of romantic relationships between men and women (or sometimes men and men or women and women, lol, I suppose) is undergoing an evolution. This is probably a good thing, but it can also be painful.

I just try to take it one day at a time, and yes, I do enjoy the freedom. I married young, was married for five years, and felt very imprisoned by that marriage. I was not at all ready for it.

People do not realize sometimes that women can also feel very imprisoned by relationships and marriage.

I think that, if it's a good one, that feeling is not there, however.

[MysteriousLurker]

[MysteriousLurker]

[Guitarista]

Well, Lurker, on one hand, you say, "don't be financially dependent upon a man", yet you say, "don't give a man money because then you will know he can never support you." These two things seem a bit contradictory to me, yet I understand what you are trying to say and there is some sense in it, especially for younger women.

But I am 55, so there is no longer any consideration for a child. I never had children.

I think that you cannot truly say for every single instance that a woman should not give money to a man. If a man is poor, or has health issues, and the woman loves him deeply and he loves HER deeply and there is much caring and emotional support on both sides, then I think it could be okay.

In today's world, women sometimes have great incomes. This is just the way it goes. Some very good men may not have such great incomes, perhaps because of their choice of profession, or because of a health issue, or simply because of huge corporate "restructurings" that could not have been predicted. The main thing is that the man is willing to contribute what he can, and that he is supportive of the woman and willing to listen to her and let her do her job, etc.

I am a compassionate sort of person and I am willing to give a lot. But there have been times when that's gotten me into a bit of trouble, emotionally...because I gave too much, too soon. (maybe you've read some of my other posts on here..maybe not...if you have, then you know I have had issues.)

But I try to stay open-minded as much as possible. To me, if a man loved me, and made less money than me, but were loyal and supportive, that would be okay...we'd get by. Money is not everything to me and I try not to be dependent on others for my living.

But we all need one another, men and women. Life is short, and sometimes it's hard. I think helping one another is good, as long as it's done with honor and respect for all parties involved.

However, I agree with you on one point...all young women, and for that matter, ALL women, should try their best to create a way to make a good living, even if they plan on becoming mothers. You never know when the bottom of a relationship may fall out, and there you are...with both yourself, and a child, to support.

It is important to live a life with compassion and an open mind. With pain and anger inside, that is not easy to do, but I think we all have to keep working at it.

As for monogamy, I see it like this.

It is a conscious choice.

For myself, I would choose it with the right man, because it's worth any sacrifices I will have to make. I would prefer the stability of a monogamous relationship because such relationships make it so much more possible for me to open up and love and trust, and grow, with that one person.

This simply is not as possible in a casual or non-monogamous relationship.

Each type of relationship has its own drawbacks and rewards. To me, the rewards of a well-chosen monogamous relationship are among the greatest rewards that a person could possibly find in this life. Imagine someone there for you every day...to help you grow, to challenge you when you are wrong, to support and to love you . I cannot imagine anything worth more and to me, any sacrifice made would be inconsequential if I could find that for myself.

The trick is finding the right person, and being ready!

[Guitarista]

You are quite a gentleman...it is a nice and refreshing thing to be able to discuss these issues with someone as calm and collected as you seem to be.

You must be a young person...I'd guess, in your thirties perhaps?