Trying to sort through it all :?

[becki1223]

Okay, so I need some advice and I want it from women and men. My ex boyfriend was abusive. He would push me into walls, but more often than not the abuse was mental. He will still try to tell me that I won't ever find anyone who will love me as much as he did. He still sends me instant messages asking me why I never cared about him. It's all a big mind game now. So much so that he currently tells his first son's mom that in order to see their son, she has to sleep with him.

I finally got a restraining order last April and started seeing a domestic violence counselor to get through the feelings of inadequacy and the overall pain of what I went through with him. However, in the middle of June our city was hit by a flood and since my counselor's office was in that flood, I had to stop seeing her. Two weeks later I had my son, and due to our no contact order, he was not able to come to the hospital to see our son. It probably doesn't help that he was in jail the night our son was born for a domestic assault on his first son's mom either.

In September, I finally met a great guy who actually took me out on a date. He treats me and my children like we are his everything. He has made me perfectly aware that he knows I am broken and slowly but surely I am putting myself back together. Due to the fact that my ex cheated, and we fought constantly, I am always defensive and untrusting of my new boyfriend. He's been dealing with it very well, but I'm afraid that I am pushing him away, because I am so defensive about EVERYTHING.

My question is, how do I let go of what my ex did to me, so that I can move on and be happy? How do I learn to trust the new guy? I am really starting to think that I should go back to counseling now that the center that I used to go to is back open. My boyfriend is completely behind me on this one, but I'm just worried that he won't wait through the healing process. Thank you for any advice anyone can give.

[catscalw]

You are a fucking WARRIOR becki1223,
.....don't ever let anyone tell you differently.
Your courage and perseverance are inspirational to everyone here.

Your boyfriend is my kinda guy, you and my wife share many of the same issues, and she has been in counseling, (and we have together) for much of her adult life. We are happily married, and have a reasonably emotionally literate relationship. It is possible even if you are terribly broken, like the both of us have been. To open those doors that have been locked, and walk into the darknesses inside takes a kind of courage that most people will never know. You don't have to do it alone...counseling, support groups, friends, your boyfriend, and you will meet allies and you will find help in the most unlikely of places along the way.

I salute you for your quiet humility, while putting one foot in front of the other, in the face of all that uncertainty.

[becki1223]

I called my old counselor today and she's going to work with me on scheduling time to talk about the situation. I think it's really going to help to be able to discuss things with a neutral third party again. The problem is that not too many people understand why I'm still so angry and damaged. Some people tell me just to "get over it", but that's easier said than done when you spent almost the last two years determined to make someone love you and trying to prove to them that you're different than other women. Thank God for my new boyfriend. I imagine that if I were in his situation, I probably wouldn't be as understanding.

[Foundthebestman]

[robisworld]

The first thing you must do is forgive yourself. After all, many of the choices you made or did not make were yours alone. Forgive yourself. Many women are not given the tools in their early years and the operative word here CHOICE. Until we believe and internalize the fact that we do th CHOOSING. We are not chosen. Another help is women. All women, I believe, need a network of friends. At least one. Remember that abusive relationships usually thrive in isolation. Stay connected to women. Listen, learn and share and before you know it, the emotional pain, the guilt and the fear will begin to subside.