Trying to sort through it all :?

becki1223 · Joined: 24 Oct 2008 Posts: 21

Okay, so I need some advice and I want it from women and men. My ex boyfriend was abusive. He would push me into walls, but more often than not the abuse was mental. He will still try to tell me that I won't ever find anyone who will love me as much as he did. He still sends me instant messages asking me why I never cared about him. It's all a big mind game now. So much so that he currently tells his first son's mom that in order to see their son, she has to sleep with him.

I finally got a restraining order last April and started seeing a domestic violence counselor to get through the feelings of inadequacy and the overall pain of what I went through with him. However, in the middle of June our city was hit by a flood and since my counselor's office was in that flood, I had to stop seeing her. Two weeks later I had my son, and due to our no contact order, he was not able to come to the hospital to see our son. It probably doesn't help that he was in jail the night our son was born for a domestic assault on his first son's mom either.

In September, I finally met a great guy who actually took me out on a date. He treats me and my children like we are his everything. He has made me perfectly aware that he knows I am broken and slowly but surely I am putting myself back together. Due to the fact that my ex cheated, and we fought constantly, I am always defensive and untrusting of my new boyfriend. He's been dealing with it very well, but I'm afraid that I am pushing him away, because I am so defensive about EVERYTHING.

My question is, how do I let go of what my ex did to me, so that I can move on and be happy? How do I learn to trust the new guy? I am really starting to think that I should go back to counseling now that the center that I used to go to is back open. My boyfriend is completely behind me on this one, but I'm just worried that he won't wait through the healing process. Thank you for any advice anyone can give.

catscalw · Joined: 15 Mar 2008 Posts: 126

You are a fucking WARRIOR becki1223,
.....don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

Your courage and perseverance are inspirational to everyone here.

Your boyfriend is my kinda guy, you and my wife share many of the same issues, and she has been in counseling, (and we have together) for much of her adult life. We are happily married, and have a reasonably emotionally literate relationship. It is possible even if you are terribly broken, like the both of us have been. To open those doors that have been locked, and walk into the darknesses inside takes a kind of courage that most people will never know. You don't have to do it alone...counseling, support groups, friends, your boyfriend, and you will meet allies and you will find help in the most unlikely of places along the way.

I salute you for your quiet humility, while putting one foot in front of the other, in the face of all that uncertainty.

montanaranger · Joined: 05 Aug 2008 Posts: 2

Just hang in there. The result of abusive relationships is that the next one to come along, never gets the best of us, they get what's left over.Time will break down those walls, especially if you are with a good man now.Counseling could be beneficial to you, but that is something you would have to decide for yourself. Just be patient, it takes time to heal, but you will get there!

courtneyiscool · Joined: 26 Mar 2007 Posts: 162

together after an abusive relationships, but you are doing wonderfully! Keep it up girl, before you know it, you'll be just fine emotionally.

Koopa · Joined: 09 Dec 2008 Posts: 2

My opinion of your situation is that your current boyfriend will stay with you through thick and thin, and support you through your obstacles for as long as it takes if he really loves you. Good relationships are hard to come by, and he'll help you through the healing process because he sounds like an impressive kind of guy. The whole defensive and trust thing is expected, and he knows how your past was. I can relate because I always seem to push my girl away also with the untrusting thing causing tension between the both of us but when two people love each other, they don't give up, they make things work. I don't think you should worry. I really do admire your story, it was truly a struggle. Amen to you. I wish the best for the both of you. You just gotta let him in.